Thursday, April 26, 2012

Age {Bigger Picture Moment}


twenty six years ago I made a phone call.

mom, i said, i'm pregnant!

it was unexpected - the pregnancy.
and her reaction.

we'd been married almost three years and had started talking about trying.
but our first miracle came in God's time, not ours.
and that was just fine by us!

mom, i said, i'm pregnant!

i don't know what i was expecting....
but it wasn't,
"no, you can't be. i'm too young to be a grandmother."
that was followed by lots of words about what she was going to say to people.
about how she was going to explain it.

explain it?
because the fact that your twenty-six year old, married daughter was expecting her first child -
that needed so, so much explaining.
really?
how could she do this to me in this moment?

the hallway of my tiny brownstone apartment grew instantly cold.
and i wanted to get off the phone.
she just sucked the good
the joy
my joy
right out of me.
right out of the room.
and she wasn't even in the same state.

twenty-six years ago i only knew how to shut down and close her off.
we hardly spoke during my pregnancy.
she got another call from the recovery room when my wide-eyed melissa was in my arms.
in spite of herself, she was actually a pretty good grandma when they were little ones.

twenty-six years later, i see my own wrinkles,
and notice a few gray hairs...
even though my eye sight is worse than ever.
my age?
well, i'm old enough to be a grandmother!
 {no, this isn't an announcement}
but isn't that something?!
i'm old enough to be a grandmother!

i will keep getting older and wrinklier,
because that's just what happens.
but i won't turn into her.
...haven't turned into her.
they say that just happens too.
but not over here.
the cycle's been broken.

oh,
did i mention?
i'm old enough to be a grandmother!!



Linking up over at Jade's place.


19 comments:

Melissa said...

You will be such a grandmother one day, full of joy and love and overflowing grace. That grandbaby will be so glad--so lucky!--to have you, and so will her parents.

Barbara said...

I thought this was going to be a big reveal post! ;)

You will make a wonderful G-mother one day!

Stacia said...

Making changes in your own life to prevent the mistakes of the past from continuing is a tough, tough thing. Good for you.

Dianna said...

Aw, Adrienne, that's too bad that your mom had that reaction. I realize more every day what a wonderful mom I had -- though she's been gone 17 years (next week), something happens almost every day to remind me how special she was.
I wish you could have had that closeness with your mom.
But I'm so glad that YOU'RE that wonderful mother!

Lindsey said...

This is so beautiful, and a powerful reminder that we can turn our own experiences around; we don't have to repeat things that happened to us. It's not easy though, so bravo to you. xoxo

ayala said...

The cycle is broken and you will be an amazing grandmother. Sorry about your mom, I know it was painful.

Justine said...

My mom did the same thing to me because I wasn't married. I was plenty old enough but she wasn't thrilled. And it hurt when it wasn't the reaction I was hoping.

You're right in that we can make a difference for our kids and makes sure they get the experience they deserve. No judgment. Just love.

alita jewel said...

YES YES YES!!! That cycle has definitely been broken, Adrienne. I don't want to become my mother either for different reasons. But your reason is so very valid. Being cold, about a miracle nonetheless, is inexcusable. Especially after years of pain. It is best to forgive, but not to forget. Age has its uses after all. And you have more than made up with abundant love for your wonderful grown children.

You will be a fantastic grandmother and I know your heart and cup will overflow when or if you get the news one day.

xo!
alita

Nessa Bixler said...

I can only imagine you jumping up and down with joy at the idea. What a blessing you will be to your own daughter.

Kelly Quinones Miller said...

I feel bad for your mom. She missed out on all the joy and excitement of her daughter's first pregnancy. I'm happy that you won't make the same mistake.

Stephanie said...

Oh...I can only imagine the pain of those words. But when that day comes for you, I can only imagine the JOY you will share with your daughter. :) Yes, these chains can be broken, the past does not have to define us.

Hyacynth said...

That's such a tenderly painful memory ... but in your age, your wisdom, you've been open to becoming who He created you to be ... sidestepping the angry and the pessimism. Something tells me your daughter will hear much much different words when the time comes for announcement!

Heidi ★ said...

your grandkids are gonna be SOOOOOOO lucky! <3

*sigh* that sounds almost identical to what my mother would have done, but lucky for her when Big R came to be I was 21 & NOT married so I deserved it. LOL.

Debbie said...

awww, sad and beautiful, i really connected with this entry. i broke a cycle myself, it felt great. sometimes parents teach us about what we don't want to be, how we don't want to act. we learn from everything, even these negative moments. sadly, the memories last forever.

this moment will be wonderful for you, you will react with love and joy!! you will be an awesome grandmother one day, i am so sure of that!!

Rudri Bhatt Patel @ Being Rudri said...

What a difficult rejection to endure. But your story shows how you can fill yourself up by breaking the cycle.

May said...

The selfishness of that reaction must have stung, and it would have been easy to get stuck in the hurt. How wise of you to realize it was SELFish because it was about HERself. It was not about you or your joy at your news, and it certainly was not about that sweet little baby. It was about her. I am so glad it stayed with her and you moved on free to experience the joy of motherhood.

Jen said...

And your grandchild will be so lucky to have you!

Jade @ Tasting Grace said...

It's funny (ironic) that she had that kind of reaction. I'm glad she came around to it in the end. My mom kind of did the same thing when I announced (at 26) that my boyfriend (of 5 years) and I were getting married. Anyway, I love that you're consciously breaking the cycle and I'm sure when the time is right, you will be the best grandmother ever!

Barb said...

Hi. Stopping in from a comment you left at May's blog (May Achieve Clarity) because I so agreed with it. And reading this post - I'm glad I did. My mother said the EXACT same thing to me when I was pregnant with what would be her first grandchild. And I remember feeling, almost actually seeing my joy suck out the summer window screen. I was 22 and married and so very happy and then I realized I'd have to share that joy elsewhere. There are probably things I've done raising my children (who are grown now) that my children don't want to repeat. I'm not perfect. Far from it. But I've tried to do my best. And I am a grandmother now and each time (I have 3 little granddaughters and one grandson on the way) I'm so overjoyed and tickled and twirling with giddiness.