I want it to not matter.
I want so badly to not be affected by her, changed in any way.
I want the subtle insults and the painfully uncomfortable comments to roll right off my back.
I want to be better at this, at handling her.
Oh, I want it so badly.
She arrives. Vodka and wine her trusty companions.
She corrects my adult child's grammar...almost before she's said hello.
She compliments things...ooohs and aahhhs over all that has changed since the last time she was here....
more stones laid
....so, so, so very long ago.
She asks my brother to move her chair, my son to fix her drink, my husband to pour her wine.
She asks everyone but me for help.
"What can I do for you?" "Do you need help with the meal?" "What do you need from me?"
Me she offers to help.
Because roasting vegetables must be beyond me.
mortar and stones and mortar and stones and mortar....
By the time we sit to eat, my wall is built.
My mom has, once again, come into my home and shut me down. Shut me up.
And, at this point in my life, I can't even blame her.
I've retreated into myself, speak only when spoken to and wait her out.
Eventually she will leave.
When I'm on the other side of my wall, watching the evening through the windows, sitting alone, on a well worn bench....I regress. Any signs of my 'enlightened self' vanish and the berating begins. Her shoulds have long ago been replaced by my own shoulds and I begin to give myself a long lecture on how and why I should be beyond all this.
And I get so mad at myself.
Today, the word in my heart is "want" and not "should" and I've let myself off the hook. The wall is down already ~ it's only taken four days....not years, or months or even weeks. So, I smirk as I type, and fight to be grateful for the progress I've made. Progress that I've made because I can let it all out and have listening hearts and ears who will take me as I am....and love me. Even while I'm still lugging around some of those useless old stones.
Joining other bloggers to share
the simple moments that help us
see the Bigger Picture.
We're linking up at Alita's today.