This Monday morning finds me wallowing a bit in a blurry exhaustion. I have played more and cooked more and eaten more and slept less in the last few days than I'm used to. I have feasted with family, listened to cousins giggle into the wee hours of the night and decked the proverbial halls... so much goodness. And, yet, this morning I was smacked with a wave of sadness. Not sadness, exactly...more like anguish. A very dramatic word, I know. The definition of the word? "Severe mental or physical pain or suffering" ... seems too strong. I looked up the origin of the word: it's roots are Latin and combine two words, one meaning tightness and one meaning narrow. That feels just right. A tightening of the heart and the pathway to the emotional release I'd like is just too darn narrow. Thus the wallowing. Thus the blurry exhaustion.
Over the long weekend, we took our out-of-towners on a tour of our beloved Fenway Park. It's a place full of history and memories and possibility. I love being inside the ballpark - no matter the time of year or the occasion. I had to laugh this morning when I was looking through the photos I took and I came across this shot...the focus is on the fence behind the green monster seats that are high above the outfield... Focusing on the fence left the iconic Citgo sign blurred in the background ~ and for some reason I just thought...THIS! This is how I feel today!!
Tuesday morning finds me ... still exhausted, still blurry-eyed. But feeling less fenced in. Sharing my feelings, accepting a few warm hugs and getting back to the journal have eased that *anguished* feeling. There's still a tightness in my heart and a blur of thoughts and feelings running through me, but there isn't that 'stuck-no-way-out' feeling. Instead, I'm longing to walk through - process - and learn from whatever this wave of emotion is bringing to the surface.
From the journal:
Give away; The temptation to dismiss. To diminish. To take my feelings and make them less than - less important than, less crucial than...less meaningful or substantial than someone else's feelings. I give away my go-to habit of swallowing, stuffing and discarding....
Give access: Today I want to learn from walking through. I want to acknowledge and accept what is surfacing.
Give thanks: Ah-ha moments. Today I am giving thanks for those paradigm shifting moments that may seem isolated, but that add up to real and lasting change. Yes, today I am giving thanks for the power and process that is change.