Thursday, April 28, 2011

Walk of Shame

Elementary school was the worst….but graduation day wasn’t great either. I could wine for a long time about how I never fit in or how my elementary school gym teacher used to tease me and tell me to go home and eat some Wheaties ~ yeah, he was a real charmer. But I’ll skip the tales of recess loneliness, the social rejection woes and just head straight to the day of my high school graduation.

I don’t remember much (of that day, or much of my whole child hood, really). And I’m sure there was some kind of celebration. I can picture the valedictorian as he gave his speech. And I remember that my grandmother was there for the ceremony with my parents. My only other memory of the day is feeling absolutely mortified each time they called my name because I had won some award or scholarship. I remember no feeling of pride or sense of accomplishment. Not one ounce of satisfaction or pleasure. Just mortification. Too many times. Too much attention.

Each time my name was called 
I had to stand up.
I’m sure I blushed.
I guess I faked a smile.
I just
it to be over.

I feel (almost) apologetic as I write this. Poor me ~ nice suburban life, great public school education and, apparently, a good number of accomplishments. Don't know why the recognition that day affected me as it did. I just know I didn't want people looking at me, didn't want the eyes of those kids on me.

Now the question comes, to post or not to post?
Cause even now I find this all a bit embarrassing.


  1. How sad you were embarrassed about recognition for awards and accomplishments in high school. That being said, I was and still am the same way I just realized. I skip banquets and ceremonies that will honor me and my achievements in school. Thank you for sharing this and for showing me that I should stop being embarrassed by the recognition.

  2. There's no need to be embarrassed all this time later! I am completely the same way. I would way rather just sit in a corner where no one will notice me. Hello social anxiety ;)

  3. That is so hard and I can totally understand. I was extremely shy, but somehow managed to grow out of it by highschool. Not that I didn't still embarrass myself on a regular basis, but it affected me differently. And I agree, there's no need to be embarrassed now! Maybe it's therapeutic to admit how much you didn't want to be in the spotlight!

  4. Wow - hard to imagine. You were so talented, and had great and loving friends. With all of your talent, you were still always so unsure of yourself, so questioning. I will never forget the conversations in my car, sitting in your driveway, that lasted for hours. So sad that you couldn't find inner happiness back then. And so happy that you have found it now.